If you have a child with autism, then you known that there are good days and bad days, grateful days and resentful days. You have days where autism takes a back seat and days where autism is not only sitting up front with you, it's in the driver's seat.
Last week was one of those autism-is-in-the-driver-seat kind of weeks, so I lashed out a bit. I gave you all a list of the sometimes insensitive, rude and ignorant comments said to me as a mother of an autistic child advising you on what not to say to mother of a child with autism. I won't apologize for my words because, well, last week I needed to say them and it felt good...really good.
But now I realize that it wasn't fair to tell everyone what NOT to say to a parent of a child with autism, if I don't give some advice on what TO say.
Just like every child is affected differently by an autism diagnosis, each parent is also affected differently. A comment that I believe is kind and encouraging, another parent may see as rude and condescending. Needless to say, I can't give you an exhaustive list since every situation is different, however, I have come up with a few things people have said to me over the years that clearly left a mark and not a scar. So, this is a list of things TO say to a parent loving a child with autism that made me smile and want to hug them rather than hit them or scratch their eyes out.
The one thing to remember, regardless of the child or the parent, is to always be accepting, be aware and be kind.
1. "Wow! I can't believe how far he has come!"
Even if the distance from where he was to where he is seems miniscule to you, chances are it is a huge, expansive distance to my son and me. Commenting on progress is a beautiful thing to say, but only if you really see progress or change. We mothers are like dogs; we can smell your fear in an off-handed, don't-know-what-else-to-say remark. So if you do believe it, then say it. And be prepared to be hugged.
2. "He is so good at...[insert anything here]."
Whether it's a perfect Jim Carrey imitation, how long he can sit watching the same episode of "Thomas the Tank Engine" and recite every word perfectly, or his ability to memorize all the details of every earthquake in California's history, point it out. Point out the positives. See the positives. We see it. We know it. We love when you do, too.